After dropping her off at her house, I was now standing in the middle of an abandoned building. I was wearing a white shirt and black pants paired with it, my hair messed up because I came here running after 2 hours. 

I have known this building for 2 years. I used to come here whenever I needed peace or to divert myself from something. I was silent, something void in me. I seriously wanted to breakdown and cry the fuck out of me.

I was sleeping holding her hand in mine while mom tried to wake me up. I was so sleepy because my body was tired and I wasn't in my senses as well. I woke up feeling a jerk on my hand. I got worried if she was having a panic attack when I looked at her. 

My body worked on its own and i cupped her cheeks asking her if everything’s alright. She asked me, she asked me about last night and i felt scared. What if, what if she doesn’t remember anything. I asked. But to my relief she remembered. I started to tell her what happened and why I took her here. I was fidgeting with my fingers when I tried to tell her about the confession.

I feared what if she denies it, what if she doesn't love me and it came out because of her parents. She looked at me with those guilty eyes and I gulped. Please dont break my heart. And she shattered, explaining to me that she didn't mean it.

My heart held a piercing pain but I composed myself thinking that it's okay I can make her fall in love with me later, afterall i am here for her for my whole life. But her next sentence broke me, my body, my soul, my heart and everything. 

I barely managed to handle that her confession was not meant, but she…. She loves someone else. Someone who isn't me. Someone whose name isn't Avyaan Kapoor.

My hands, body and every inch of me trembled with pain and sorrow. I felt my heart tearing apart. Fuck it hurts.

I have been shot 11 bullets at once but its pain doesn't even qualify to compare itself with the pain of seeing her loving someone else. 

But then I looked at her, her face holding the most vulnerable expression as if she would die rather than hurt someone innocent. Oh my little mouse, you're not mine anymore. I gave all of my energy to keep these emotions shut and don't even shed a single tear. 

I looked at her with a dramatic expression, telling her it's okay and I understand it. But I didn't want to. I wanted to cry and yell that why not me? Why not Avyaan? She looked at me with relief and I realized. Didn't I want it? Didn't i say i want her to be happy no matter what? Didn't I say I would take away her pain rather than seeing tears in her eyes. 

It was always one-sided, she knew me for just a month. What can I expect from her? To fall head over heels for me? But me? What about me? I knew her for more than 3 years. I remember the chief telling me the history of the underworld. Where Red moon ruled for more than 3 decades and it was the strongest gang of all the times.

But due to an unexpected accident, the leaders died. They were husband and wife. Chief even told me that they had a child, a girl who would probably be 4 at that time. I asked what happened to her. Was she saved? He told me we got no records of it as if she vanished like air. 

And surprisingly my interest grew more, I wanted to know more, dwell into it and search for that girl. I was 21 that time when the chief told me about the history and it took me two years to find out about the girl, about her.

When I looked at her for the very first time eating a sandwich in the same restaurant she took me to, my breath hitched. She was looking ethereal. As if she wasn't a human but a goddess .

I sighed and sat on the tires placed in the corner of the building's second floor while memories played at the back of my head. I was finding out about her name, her parents and everything. I got to know she lived with her aunt and uncle and her grandmother. I wasn't aware of her name till now. 

I fell for her at the very first sight, and soon it became my routine to watch her through my laptop screen. I used to stay around the cafe because she came every other day. She always had her eyes down whenever she ate or sat and when out she had specs on which made me irritated. I wanted to look at eyes. 

I no longer cared if she was the lost mafia princess because to me she was my first love. After 3 years of stalking, i mean looking at her secretly i decided to get enrolled in her college and it was her last year. I told my parents I wanted to do a masters from Stanford University and they agreed. My family knew me as a hard working 9 to 6 office going man. But I was far away from it. 

I got enrolled and took the undergraduate course. Thanks to the help of the chief, the university let me do whatever I wanted because I never planned to study further. I was just here for 1 year, to get to know her more. But as soon as I entered , my plans changed. I fell even harder for her and wanted to get close to her.

But everything shattered when I heard her words “i love someone else”  it pierced through my heart and I knew I wouldn't be able to recover through it. We had breakfast together while she talked to Aria, answering her random questions.

We were about to leave and she showed what i wanted. Her smile. She smiled for the very first time since i know her but not to me, my mother. She smiled towards my mother as if she was looking at her. Oh how i wanted things to be like this but alas. 

She next cried hugging my mother, the pain welled up again inside of me. I can handle myself, no matter what but her. I cant let anything happen to her. I ran closer to her and she hugged mom tightly maybe she longed for motherly embrace and affection. 

The whole ride was silent, i have nothing left to say. I dropped her and was about to leave. 

She called me back by my name. The last time i would be hearing her call my name.

I hummed and she told me how i once told her to stay happy and bubbly when we were out for dinner. 

I nodded and she said she is trying, trying to smile and be happy. Tears gathered in my eyes as i kissed her forehead whispering that its enough, its enough for me to survive. 

Yes i wouldn't be able to bear the site of her holding someone’s else hand, kissing his cheeks, cooking with him, telling him that… that she loves him.

My chest tightened with those thoughts as I gulped down my down saliva, my throat went dry as I looked at my hands, empty. But this isn't what I imagined of today. I imagined her telling me that yes she loves me, me hugging her and dancing in the whole house. Introducing my parents as my official girlfriend. My Women.

But everything just fell into chaos, tears streaming down my eyes. I felt so helpless. I felt like dying rather than taking the next breath. I can't! I can't! 

“I can't live like this, humse nhi hoga tanya, hum nahi reh payenge ese'' I screamed but none heard me.

My chest felt the pain as if someone was stabbing me with a knife again and again. 

“Why!! Whyy!! Just whyy!!”

“Why not me? Was i late?, hum nahi dekh sakte unhe kisi aur ke saath. Mahadev don't do this to me” 

“Hum mar jayenge unke bina, she is the sole reason for me to smile. Please give her back to me”

“ I beg you god, please! I love her! Humse nhi hoga unhe kisi or ke saath dekhna” 

“Hum nahi reh payenge ese, mahadev! Don't you love your child?” 

I continued screaming but none ran towards me embracing me in their arms. I was left alone, so alone that it haunted me.

Imagining her beside someone else who isn't me, looking at her smiling at someone else, her eyes filled with love for someone else. 

“Ahh it's killing me, why why why!!! Why did you have to do this to me”

“I can't live- I can't love without her. P-please I love her please.”

My last words before I fainted.